Play or To Be Played [23 May 2006|12:38pm] That's is what it comes down to.. I don't know... Honestly how hard can it be? When one avoides the honest answer and doesn't want to deal with it? Wow that tells a statment there... Then i'd say he's too pussy to deal with it... He ain't gettin anything out of me if that's what he's thinking... And interest...really it's called eleborating on what's said and done. I would atleast hope that he'll realize what he actually means when he says to others...really, he should. cuz unfortunatly i think i'd find that ironic for what he even stands for in his ownself...vice versa, it's the opposite... 2 comments|post comment

Occupied With Thought...Too Many [03 Apr 2006|11:36am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Copeland - Testing The Strong Ones ] I dunno, i'm just a wreck in my own state. I'm going just day by day right now... Why does my brother treat everyone like shit? Why do i get shit for nothing? Why are both my brother/sister rebelling and rediculing me? Why does my mom use me as a punchingbag for her stress? Hell...why is this family a mess? I dunno, but standing up will only go so far...Why the hell does my brother blame me for everything and not take any admitting that he's at fault as far as everyone the house is too...not just me? What's his problem literally? Ya, this is just not exactly the happiest moods i want to be in... :( I dunno what to think...i'm still filled with alot of anger rather then sadness i don't know why...but it does make me sad too. More anger and more darkness... And i'm sure my brother has no clue what he's talking about when it comes to darkness...literally. He just has nooo freakn clue... post comment

Relieved and Aphexed [31 Mar 2006|11:42am] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Hawthorne Heights - Light Sleeper ] 6 Months later...well i'll say it's such a chaotic world nothing is the same as it was in the past So much has changed since dad left What more do i expect or ask? Missing is anything but the ordinary Of anger and saddness it may seem Nothing is what it is Or seems 6 months...wow, time passes by so fast I can't beleive it's only been so long So long So long post comment

Up Front [29 Mar 2006|12:01pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Atreyu - Exs and Ohs ] Seriously where does the path really lead to, i've got all of this infront of me. Sometimes i dunno what to think of it and sometime that's what really scares me the most. Well maybe not entirely scares me. Just not going forward is bad...but being afraid to do that is bad enough. It's just way too much in front of my face :( I know that dad wants and still does, i need to really get my head straight up to date or something...i mis him alot. I'm trying so hard and well...sacrificing is all in the best interest of sometimes what i mostly miss out on sometimes... And what do i miss out? Seriously go figure that...i need to Sometimes i'm so unsure when i'm really sure as thorough as hell on it!! WHY trust the gut instinct for sakes!!! post comment

[20 Dec 2005|01:36am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Silverstein - Smile In Your Sleep ] I'm a bit sad anyhow, sometimes i don't believe i can't do it. And as lonely as it feels, it doesn't really replace much of the sorrow still inside. It really doesn't get any lighter... I wonder why... I feel as though any longer it keeps goin on Maybe i'll do something stupid... You know how emotions get... Ya that part plays that shit... Never let emotions get way too far But you can't always bundle it up anyhow It'll explode eventually I need a break... post comment

Shadows [03 Nov 2005|11:03am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Atreyu - The Crimson ] Well...wat can i say Life is just not fair Too fragile The family is a shamble since dad passed I've got a mother who's working 3 jobs and is heartbroken with a huge burden Got a 12 yr old lil sister who's too young to be dealing with everything right now and finally my 19 yr old younger brother who's just out of control. I don't know what to think I have to help raise my lil sister and worry the hell for my dumbfuck brother... I dunno what to do THere's so much happening within the short time and so much responsibilities... I just dunno 2 comments|post comment

It's Just So Much... [08 Sep 2005|01:30am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody Else ] It's just so much to handle and take in. Sometimes I wonder why i'm even here in the first place. What to help and be there to understand what my dad's goin through when all the rest besides my mom to totally ignore him, and act that he's back to his usual self? No i can't, i feel like i don't have a choice...it's implied (as if i've been unconcious already) I don't see him do this as often, but it happens, Mom has. Dad cries everyday/night...he can't walk or get up like he used to. He's in pain, distressed, fatigued, extremely tired. Every fucken day is a hard day! It's a struggle everyday. And if that means in mom's mind that she'll do everything, till she can't do it anymore... it feels so forceful...there's no choices to make at all here it just doesn't seem like it nothing is fair anymore time just goes by without even knowing and the time that's left i don't know I can't run away from this I have no choice I never volunteered for this Nothing can be ignored I don't know what to believe in anymore... the feelings don't show outside BUT THEY SURE ARE ETCHED INSIDE! all i see is PAIN SUFFERING SADDNESS TORMENT IN THE SHOES OF OTHER'S MISERIAS EMPATHY ...so maybe there's reasons for this it's a world of just great sorrows right now makes me just sad to see it...and for myself to keep on dealing day by day that's how i really feel and you know what, maybe that's how i'm viewing life so far (it's a very twisted view, that most others might not want to view it all) just vivid sparks...for those innocent, maybe it's better to stay that way sometimes... post comment

XY [29 Jul 2005|02:39am] [ mood | day by day, just hoping....... ] [ music | Coldplay, Underscore (now is Fair Verona MD( ] Coldplay:XY...awsome it makes me sad when mom's sad, only cuz it's so hard on her right now it pisses me off to see how my brother acts and puts labeling/blaming in use well...i guess i'll get annoyed at my lil sister too (but she's too young to understand wats goin on) it makes me sad that i may lose my dad (to a battle that he may/may not win) it makes me really wana cry.... cuz dad came here to the US with mom, to work his ass off for all of us he cares so much about us and his family too... even as of right now...when he's not even feeling so good he still thinks of goin back to work...but (he can't) just getting by day by day... i'm praying "so i'm holding this picture and holding it tight cuz i dunno if i'll be coming home..." post comment

Many Lives [15 Jun 2005|02:09am] [ mood | cry me a god damn river!!! ] [ music | Barry White ] So it's early morning...and will i woke up...feeling pissed sorta Now i'm back to sad... I feel like i failed...but i no i didn't fail I feel so helpless and useless So used and betrayed By pple and by myself I feel like i can't let go I feel so abused and neglected Even tho the pple that cared...did only so much While the other pple that did too...dissappointed me also And in this gray cloud, it only bubbles further Can it be extinguised O man, that's just way too dramatic I did cut myself once I did slice my sharp blade Over my wrist No looking at the scars It reminds that it's not worth it Even tho it hurts in doin so... Cry me a river I wish O but u do want to wish Cuz the stars won't fall for you But only fade out Of reach... Make it all worthwhile...tsk!! Fall The Stars Fall post comment

Learn As You Go [11 Jun 2005|03:25am] [ mood | I did to you, I didn't mean it ] [ music | Punchline - Battlescars "I'm sorry for everything.... ] SOmething i learned: How can you help others if you can't help yourself? you have to push your way up and be there... then you can do the job and help others. Be happy about yourself...first post comment

Nothing To Hide [05 Jun 2005|10:37pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Trustcompany: True Parellels ] There is still hope... post comment

Relization [24 May 2005|03:29am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Silverstein - November, The Fire Restart - The Summer... ] Well, you do realize this could very well kill me eventually... It only took so many years to build the stress and when it just became very stressful and not handled booom!!! Bam...yep: the answer: HEARTBURN, Gastroitis, and all that good junk as much as taking the "so called medicines" to control the acid... left untreated it can very well eat away the esophogis... well, hey maybe a bit more fun w/ ulcers and good stuff. Upper/Lower GI bleeds The pt. is, anxiety, depression, and all that stuff can just very well trigger that stress...along w/so much emotional build up...also pending wat's goin around in your well god damn life! And i asked my close friend..."why wasn't i so stressed out before" answer: cuz it wasn't that bad...now...the stress is really bad... But what can i no, i have totally gone cold turkey off of my Lexaphro...so i'm feeling a bit on/off on depression. Totally stopped taking my strong Anti-Acid meds...well now i'm kinda taking some of back cuz the heartburn is so unbearable at times... I realize this can become very dangerous...and can very well can kill me eventually WTF am I saying...I sudn't be saying this...to myself THOSE out there: don't let this destroy yourself, get help...(fuck i can't even help myself...or can I?...) post comment

Stronger...Weaker.... [22 May 2005|01:22am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Trustcompany - STRONGER ] Sometimes it hurts too much Sometimes it's all that you've got You get hurt and get hurt again Either physically, emotionlly,...well both seem just about right Really it's like giving up...cuz it's such a load It really never stops...i don't think it will stop Or atleast....it just seems rather really hopeless Just from everything...more crap and bulshit Rather a never ending cycle Silence, wat if's, and well...you never did try hard enough Blaming yourself...but you sudn't be Never good enough Worthless and non appreciated... What's wrong with me... And for now..and for long while Feels like nothing...like not doin nothing at all Lost of interest and well...just not into anything That was once fun and happy it seems It's a struggle... BUT I WILL WIN this eventually "wat doesn't kill you only makes you STRONGER" post comment

Straying Off Into Space [16 May 2005|02:16am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | The Fire Restart ] Well all i can say is that it's a stalemate right now. Sometimes we do wat we can to help. Othertimes, there isn't much we can do...but hope for the best. Ya, this is one of them right now... God i hope the best comes out in that situation. - - - - - - - - Maybe that's was called Maybe it wasn't at all But live the life you did Get it straight right now For you have now flushed All your memories Down Never can get it right before Never will ever underestimate These scores Of scornful sorrows Planted all over these walls These iron clad walls Don't let anything in or out Curtains of fear Blackness and tears What a angel of saint As the greem reeper You sleep post comment

Underscore [10 May 2005|12:44am] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Fair Verona MD, Straylight Run- Existentialism of Prom Night ] Good band they were....now 2 ex members in the new band: Fair Verona MD kinda sound like Straylight Run and Dashboard Confessionals I'm sulking about you I'm sulking about you I'm sulking about you I'm sulking about you Pulsating the values And taking the parts with me I never want I never want Anymore Of this I never want To hear of this Anymore All these memories Won't die away All these emptiness Black cavaties Wage a war Internally post comment

End Of Days...?? [28 Apr 2005|02:08am] [ mood | exanimate ] What it gives I gave myself What it came It never gave You always told me But never was easy So tell me now Forever days So tell me how May i never spell Another word Another curse In this deep bed Of emptiness In this deep bed Of blueness Now it just rains... post comment

The walking dead ! You always come back to haunt me ! [23 Apr 2005|02:10pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | A Flock Of Seagulls ] as typed from bulletin of: desprate to breathe "Why the did you have to call and tell me that you missed me? Why did you need to get inside my dreams and change my endings? You have been dead to me for a year now! Why wont you stay dead. You have nothing in my heart to fill. Thanks for the apology, and I hope it makes you feel more like a man now! I hope you can sleep at night nowing that you said that I'm sorry for all the things you put me through. Fuck You" --- I think she makes a good pt. there post comment

Subject To Change... [20 Apr 2005|12:33pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | Silverstein - Right Light Pledge ] I really just don't know, sometimes I'm thinking and hoping it'll go away. But sometimes it decides to put it in my face...everything i thought that would go wrong, bad, and the worse case scenario. The weird thing...they say in amputations they don't really bleed that much cuz the blood vessels spasm up and start contricting by themselves...it's an automatic thing the body does during this trauma. But sometimes it'll bleed...so measure do have to be taken. Ya, maybe that's it...continuing to bleed in silence The world you love...the world has made it that way Any sudden color changes with the "inconsistancies Of my moods" Taking Back Sunday Left behind and never exactly found Only yourself to find Wandering... Wondering... There's nothing to fear but FEAR itself post comment

And it isn't HOPELESSNESS [10 Apr 2005|01:04pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Acceptance - Hold On, Over It - Waiting ] Well I no that it's not entirely being hopeless right now. At a point it was, but thank goodness i have an insight right now kinda...but i still worry where i'll be in the future. Technically if i really crammed it'll be under 3 semesters or so for transferring...but there'll be factors cuz of possible EMT classes for a degree...so it might be set aside cuz of that. Then there's the idea of 2 yrs. in Paramedic school...ummm, i'll get more info on that. Dude...i sudn't worry too much I know I sudn't. post comment

Panic = Manic [05 Apr 2005|04:22pm] [ mood | paniked ] [ music | Acceptance - Hold On, Dead Poetic - New Medicine ] And I wonder why... So sad that you have to cry Yet holding on it was And it still is as It was Used to And was Forget me It's useless It's all in the past Of shame and hurt Remorse and regrets Why? Maybe it wasn't clear And it still isn't apparent So sad it is... Stop hazzling me I want to move on But no You keep on putting it on All these images Flashing back infront of my face Like it wasn't much Of a thing It doesn't matter It really matters to me Just stop it Stop IT!! But it can't . . . post comment

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