Word...

Play or To Be Played

Tue, 23 May 2006 19:40:26 GMT

That's is what it comes down to..
I don't know...
Honestly how hard can it be?
When one avoides the honest answer and doesn't want to deal with it?
Wow that tells a statment there...

Then i'd say he's too pussy to deal with it...
He ain't gettin anything out of me if that's what he's thinking...

And interest...really it's called eleborating on what's said and done. I would atleast hope that he'll realize what he actually means when he says to others...really, he should.

cuz unfortunatly i think i'd find that ironic for what he even stands for in his ownself...vice versa, it's the opposite...

Occupied With Thought...Too Many

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 18:41:21 GMT

I dunno, i'm just a wreck in my own state. I'm going just day by day right now...
Why does my brother treat everyone like shit?
Why do i get shit for nothing?
Why are both my brother/sister rebelling and rediculing me?
Why does my mom use me as a punchingbag for her stress?
Hell...why is this family a mess?

I dunno, but standing up will only go so far...Why the hell does my brother blame me for everything and not take any admitting that he's at fault as far as everyone the house is too...not just me?

What's his problem literally?

Ya, this is just not exactly the happiest moods i want to be in... :(

I dunno what to think...i'm still filled with alot of anger rather then sadness
i don't know why...but it does make me sad too.
More anger and more darkness...
And i'm sure my brother has no clue what he's talking about when it comes to darkness...literally.

He just has nooo freakn clue...

Relieved and Aphexed

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 19:47:17 GMT

6 Months later...well i'll say it's such a chaotic world
nothing is the same as it was in the past
So much has changed since dad left
What more do i expect or ask?

Missing is anything but the ordinary
Of anger and saddness it may seem
Nothing is what it is
Or seems

6 months...wow, time passes by so fast
I can't beleive it's only been so long
So long
So long

Up Front

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 20:05:01 GMT

Seriously where does the path really lead to, i've got all of this infront of me.
Sometimes i dunno what to think of it and sometime that's what really scares me the most. Well maybe not entirely scares me. Just not going forward is bad...but being afraid to do that is bad enough.
It's just way too much in front of my face :(
I know that dad wants and still does, i need to really get my head straight up to date or something...i mis him alot.
I'm trying so hard and well...sacrificing is all in the best interest of sometimes what i mostly miss out on sometimes...

And what do i miss out?
Seriously go figure that...i need to
Sometimes i'm so unsure when i'm really sure as thorough as hell on it!!
WHY
trust the gut instinct for sakes!!!

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 09:49:02 GMT

I'm a bit sad anyhow, sometimes i don't believe i can't do it.
And as lonely as it feels, it doesn't really replace much of the sorrow still inside.
It really doesn't get any lighter...
I wonder why...
I feel as though any longer it keeps goin on
Maybe i'll do something stupid...
You know how emotions get...
Ya that part plays that shit...
Never let emotions get way too far
But you can't always bundle it up anyhow
It'll explode eventually

I need a break...

Shadows

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 19:07:53 GMT

Well...wat can i say
Life is just not fair
Too fragile

The family is a shamble since dad passed
I've got a mother who's working 3 jobs and is heartbroken with a huge burden
Got a 12 yr old lil sister who's too young to be dealing with everything right now
and finally my 19 yr old younger brother who's just out of control.

I don't know what to think
I have to help raise my lil sister and worry the hell for my dumbfuck brother...

I dunno what to do
THere's so much happening within the short time
and so much responsibilities...

I just dunno

It's Just So Much...

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 08:45:29 GMT

It's just so much to handle and take in. Sometimes I wonder why i'm even here in the first place. What to help and be there to understand what my dad's goin through when all the rest besides my mom to totally ignore him, and act that he's back to his usual self? No i can't, i feel like i don't have a choice...it's implied (as if i've been unconcious already)

I don't see him do this as often, but it happens, Mom has. Dad cries everyday/night...he can't walk or get up like he used to. He's in pain, distressed, fatigued, extremely tired. Every fucken day is a hard day! It's a struggle everyday. And if that means in mom's mind that she'll do everything, till she can't do it anymore...
it feels so forceful...there's no choices to make at all here
it just doesn't seem like it

nothing is fair anymore
time just goes by without even knowing
and the time that's left
i don't know

I can't run away from this
I have no choice
I never volunteered for this
Nothing can be ignored

I don't know what to believe in anymore...
the feelings don't show outside
BUT THEY SURE ARE ETCHED INSIDE!

all i see is
PAIN
SUFFERING
SADDNESS
TORMENT
IN THE SHOES OF OTHER'S MISERIAS
EMPATHY
...so maybe there's reasons for this

it's a world of just great sorrows right now
makes me just sad to see it...and for myself to keep on dealing
day by day

that's how i really feel

and you know what, maybe that's how i'm viewing life so far
(it's a very twisted view, that most others might not want to view it all)

just vivid sparks...for those innocent, maybe it's better to stay that way sometimes...

XY

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 09:48:48 GMT

Coldplay:XY...awsome

it makes me sad when mom's sad, only cuz it's so hard on her right now
it pisses me off to see how my brother acts and puts labeling/blaming in use
well...i guess i'll get annoyed at my lil sister too (but she's too young to understand wats goin on)
it makes me sad that i may lose my dad (to a battle that he may/may not win)
it makes me really wana cry....

cuz dad came here to the US with mom, to work his ass off for all of us
he cares so much about us and his family too...
even as of right now...when he's not even feeling so good
he still thinks of goin back to work...but (he can't)

just getting by day by day...
i'm praying

"so i'm holding this picture
and holding it tight
cuz i dunno if i'll be coming home..."

Many Lives

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 09:16:40 GMT

So it's early morning...and will i woke up...feeling pissed sorta
Now i'm back to sad...

I feel like i failed...but i no i didn't fail
I feel so helpless and useless
So used and betrayed
By pple and by myself

I feel like i can't let go
I feel so abused and neglected
Even tho the pple that cared...did only so much
While the other pple that did too...dissappointed me also

And in this gray cloud, it only bubbles further
Can it be extinguised
O man, that's just way too dramatic
I did cut myself once
I did slice my sharp blade
Over my wrist

No looking at the scars
It reminds that it's not worth it
Even tho it hurts in doin so...

Cry me a river I wish
O but u do want to wish
Cuz the stars won't fall for you
But only fade out
Of reach...
Make it all worthwhile...tsk!!

Fall The Stars Fall

Learn As You Go

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 10:28:52 GMT

SOmething i learned:
How can you help others if you can't help yourself?
you have to push your way up and be there...
then you can do the job and help others.

Be happy about yourself...first

Nothing To Hide

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 05:40:35 GMT

There is still hope...

Relization

Tue, 24 May 2005 10:42:31 GMT

Well, you do realize this could very well kill me
eventually...
It only took so many years to build the stress
and when it just became very stressful and not handled
booom!!!
Bam...yep: the answer: HEARTBURN, Gastroitis, and all that good junk

as much as taking the "so called medicines" to control the acid...
left untreated it can very well eat away the esophogis...
well, hey maybe a bit more fun w/ ulcers and good stuff. Upper/Lower GI bleeds

The pt. is, anxiety, depression, and all that stuff can just very well
trigger that stress...along w/so much emotional build up...also pending wat's goin around in your well god damn life!

And i asked my close friend..."why wasn't i so stressed out before"
answer: cuz it wasn't that bad...now...the stress is really bad...

But what can i no, i have totally gone cold turkey off of my Lexaphro...so i'm feeling a bit on/off on depression.
Totally stopped taking my strong Anti-Acid meds...well now i'm kinda taking some of back
cuz the heartburn is so unbearable at times...

I realize this can become very dangerous...and can very well can kill me eventually
WTF am I saying...I sudn't be saying this...to myself

THOSE out there: don't let this destroy yourself, get help...(fuck i can't even help myself...or can I?...)

Stronger...Weaker....

Sun, 22 May 2005 08:30:23 GMT

Sometimes it hurts too much
Sometimes it's all that you've got
You get hurt and get hurt again
Either physically, emotionlly,...well both seem just about right
Really it's like giving up...cuz it's such a load
It really never stops...i don't think it will stop
Or atleast....it just seems rather really hopeless
Just from everything...more crap and bulshit
Rather a never ending cycle
Silence, wat if's, and well...you never did try hard enough
Blaming yourself...but you sudn't be
Never good enough
Worthless and non appreciated...
What's wrong with me...
And for now..and for long while
Feels like nothing...like not doin nothing at all
Lost of interest and well...just not into anything
That was once fun and happy it seems
It's a struggle...
BUT I WILL WIN this eventually

"wat doesn't kill you only makes you STRONGER"

Straying Off Into Space

Mon, 16 May 2005 09:21:55 GMT

Well all i can say is that it's a stalemate right now.
Sometimes we do wat we can to help.
Othertimes, there isn't much we can do...but hope for the best.
Ya, this is one of them right now...
God i hope the best comes out in that situation.

- - - - - - - -
Maybe that's was called
Maybe it wasn't at all
But live the life you did
Get it straight right now
For you have now flushed
All your memories
Down
Never can get it right before
Never will ever underestimate
These scores
Of scornful sorrows
Planted all over these walls
These iron clad walls
Don't let anything in or out
Curtains of fear
Blackness and tears
What a angel of saint
As the greem reeper
You sleep

Underscore

Tue, 10 May 2005 07:51:49 GMT

Good band they were....now 2 ex members in the new band: Fair Verona MD
kinda sound like Straylight Run and Dashboard Confessionals

I'm sulking about you
I'm sulking about you
I'm sulking about you
I'm sulking about you

Pulsating the values
And taking the parts with me
I never want
I never want
Anymore
Of this
I never want
To hear of this
Anymore

All these memories
Won't die away
All these emptiness
Black cavaties
Wage a war
Internally

End Of Days...??

Thu, 28 Apr 2005 09:17:51 GMT

What it gives
I gave myself
What it came
It never gave
You always told me
But never was easy

So tell me now
Forever days
So tell me how
May i never spell
Another word
Another curse

In this deep bed
Of emptiness
In this deep bed
Of blueness

Now it just rains...

The walking dead ! You always come back to haunt me !

Sat, 23 Apr 2005 21:14:33 GMT

as typed from bulletin of: desprate to breathe

"Why the did you have to call and tell me that you missed me? Why did you need to get inside my dreams and change my endings? You have been dead to me for a year now! Why wont you stay dead. You have nothing in my heart to fill. Thanks for the apology, and I hope it makes you feel more like a man now! I hope you can sleep at night nowing that you said that I'm sorry for all the things you put me through.
Fuck You"

--- I think she makes a good pt. there

Subject To Change...

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 19:42:28 GMT

I really just don't know, sometimes I'm thinking and hoping it'll go away. But sometimes it decides to put it in my face...everything i thought that would go wrong, bad, and the worse case scenario.

The weird thing...they say in amputations they don't really bleed that much cuz the blood vessels spasm up and start contricting by themselves...it's an automatic thing the body does during this trauma. But sometimes it'll bleed...so measure do have to be taken.

Ya, maybe that's it...continuing to bleed in silence
The world you love...the world has made it that way
Any sudden color changes with the "inconsistancies
Of my moods" Taking Back Sunday
Left behind and never exactly found
Only yourself to find
Wandering...
Wondering...
There's nothing to fear but FEAR itself

And it isn't HOPELESSNESS

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 20:10:49 GMT

Well I no that it's not entirely being hopeless right now. At a point it was, but thank goodness i have an insight right now kinda...but i still worry where i'll be in the future.

Technically if i really crammed it'll be under 3 semesters or so for transferring...but there'll be factors cuz of possible EMT classes for a degree...so it might be set aside cuz of that.

Then there's the idea of 2 yrs. in Paramedic school...ummm, i'll get more info on that.

Dude...i sudn't worry too much I know I sudn't.

Panic = Manic

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 23:27:53 GMT

And I wonder why...
So sad that you have to cry
Yet holding on it was
And it still is as
It was
Used to
And was
Forget me
It's useless
It's all in the past
Of shame and hurt
Remorse and regrets
Why?
Maybe it wasn't clear
And it still isn't apparent
So sad it is...
Stop hazzling me
I want to move on
But no
You keep on putting it on
All these images
Flashing back infront of my face
Like it wasn't much
Of a thing
It doesn't matter
It really matters to me
Just stop it
Stop IT!!
But it can't . . .

The World You Love

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 21:30:32 GMT

Right and i suppose that's how it is sometimes, it's never the way u'd expect it to be...usually it isn't. Make it simple and sometimes make it more then it can handle. Place yourself in this mess, blame yourself or be blamed by others. Sick of it all...winnning...losing fuck that.

Just walke the path maybe to find the answers, but i havn't. Not quite yet and maybe not for a long while. To be so persistent...why am I doin this? I'll miss and not miss alot of things that happen. Why do Anger/Sadd do this sometimes while Happy comes (temporarily for a good while).

It's just a dark wall that's ever so deep. But I want to run into that nice garden and away from everything else. Not to be in the murkyness of questions and seeking answers (that might not be answered right away).

Charnades of Petals

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 03:39:05 GMT

The rise and fall
Feel so soft
And the carpet
Ever so red
Bright as they all
Surrender to the cops
Said they'd boo you
But never fell down
On to a solid grand wall
Granite and grey
United by intrails
An unruly mob
Goes on into the night
No stars ever cross
And no blood shed
How sad that is...
Lost it all

Hello.....

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 18:08:46 GMT

Well this is my first post I suppose...

"Hi".